4 Signs That You Are Dating a Narcissist by Kimberley R. Jasper

Not to be confused with selfishness or conceit, Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition often characterized by an over-inflated sense of importance and entitlement, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, lack of empathy, and history of troubled relationships.

Everything is often on the extreme end for people suffering from NPD because narcissism falls on a spectrum. As is the case with most mental health or personality disorders, it isn’t as simple as black and white. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental, there are nine criteria for NPD that will be listed at the end of this article. A person only needs to meet five of the nine to be clinically qualifed as a narcissist.

Even knowing the “official” criteria won’t make it easy to spot a narcissist, especially when you’re dating one, but it will help to clear up any misconceptions you may have. If greater than 5 of these signs apply, I would urge you to carefully re-evaluate your relationship and assess whether or not it is healthy enough to proceed. Of course, it is usually better to obtain the diagnosis of a qualified expert to determine if someone has NPD, but in the meantime, here are eight signs to determine that you are in a relationship with a narcissist.

NO LONG-TERM FRIENDS/DISTANT FROM FAMILY

Most narcissists don’t have any real, long-term friends. If you take a closer look at their connections, you may notice that they only have casual acquaintances. They tend to leave a bad taste in the mouths of new people that may eventually warm up to them after the first encounter. This is because by then, a narcissist has already begun using what they’ve learned to manipulate the relationship in their favor. They are good at making themselves look better in any situation, and charming enough to make you second guess your first impression. But it is all a facade that will eventually, and sometimes very quickly fade. They do not value genuine connections because they haven’t had any.

As a result, they may lash out when you want to spend time with your friends and family. Jealousy and envy are other traits that cause them to devalue and create discord in any of the successful relationships you have outside of them. They might claim that you don’t spend enough time with them, make you feel guilty for spending time with your friends, or berate you for the types of friends you have. All of these are tactics to drive a wedge between you and anything else you have that prevents them from being the center of attention in your life.

How does your partner treat someone they don’t want anything from? That will determine the level of narcissism you are dealing with. A narcissist will treat people who cannot offer them anything with no regard at all. Watch closely how differently they treat people who can do something for them…until that same person is no longer of any use to them, then they’re out like the tras

2. CONSTANTLY PICKING AT YOU

Those with NPD need others to lift them up and can only elevate themselves by putting others down. These are two things people with high self-confidence do not do. At first, it may just feel like teasing…but then it gets mean and becomes constant, berating. Suddenly, everything you do is a problem for them. That thing you did that used to be cute when they were grooming you, now flat out annoys them. It was once endearing, now it’s an imperfection.

Narcissist despise imperfection. Everything from what you wear and eat to what you watch on television is under harsh scrutiny and constant criticism. They will put you down, call you mean nicknames, hit you with hurtful one-liners, and make jokes at your expense. Their goal is to lower your self-esteem so that they can increase their own because it makes them feel powerful. Remember that it is called self-esteem, you are the only one with the power to raise or lower it.

A narcissist loves a reaction, so reacting to what they say only reinforces their behavior because it shows them that they have the power to affect your emotions. And narcissists love power, it doesn’t matter how they draw it from you. They want to make you feel small and let you know that you’re not better than they are. In their eyes, no one is. They will also gaslight you into an argument over the smallest things.

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse, and it is a primary trait of narcissism. Narcissists may spew blatant lies, falsely accuse others, spin the truth in their favor, and ultimately distort your reality. This may cause you to feel more anxious and less confident than you used to be. You begin to feel like everything you do is wrong. They do this to cause you to doubt yourself as a way to gain superiority.

3. NEVER WRONG/NEVER APOLOGIZE

Fighting with a narcissist feels impossible. There is no debating or compromising with a narcissist because they are always right. They may see disagreement as them teaching you a lesson or even as a betrayal on your part. Either way will be a very unpleasant experience for you. While ending the relationship is the best game plan with a narcissist, it is also best to avoid negotiations and arguments. It will make you feel crazy. Nothing drives a narcissist crazy like the lack of control and the lack of a fight.

The less you fight back, the less power you give them over you. This is a double-edged sword because the less power you give them, the crazier it makes them and the harder they try to elicit that power from you. There is no point in explaining any wrongdoing to them; you cannot appeal to them emotionally because they never think they’re wrong, and they never apologize…about anything. Remember those good partners are able to recognize when they’ve done something wrong and apologize for it

4.WON’T ALLOW YOU TO LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP

At some point, you are going to realize that your relationship is not going to work. You’re thinking rationally, being proactive, and even taking his feelings into consideration. Not so easy with a narcissist or someone with NPD. As soon as you begin to back away, they will try that much harder to keep you in their lives.

To quote Lauren Hill’s Ex-Factor, “…and when I try to walk away, you’d hurt yourself to make me stay. This is crazy…” She is right, it is crazy. A crazy, vicious cycle that starts their favorite game of cat and mouse; only they play for keeps. At first, they may love-bomb you. They will say all the right things, promise anything, and make the grandest gestures to make you think they have changed. Don’t believe the hype. Narcissism is hardwired in their DNA; only intense psychotherapy will help them cope…not change.

Eventually, when their charm tactics aren’t working, they will show their true colors and you will see that they never really changed at all. That is why many narcissists find themselves in on-again, off-again relationships, not just romantically, but with friends and family as well. If they try their hardest, and you still insist that you’re done with the relationship, a narcissist will make it their goal to punish you for it, and they will use everything they know about you to do it, no matter how personal. You will never be able to match the depths of “low” that someone with NPD will go to hurt you.

Their ego will be so severely bruised that it will cause them to feel rage and hatred for anyone who has hurt them. That’s because everything is always someone else’s fault, including a breakup. They will never admit to any wrong- doing and may even bad-mouth you to save face. They may even start dating someone else immediately to try and make you feel jealous and help heal their ego. They do this because a good reputation means everything to them.

Bonus

If you’re in a relationship with someone with NPD, chances are you’ve already experienced quite a few of the above or more. Being in a relationship with someone who is always criticizing and belittling you is emotionally and spiritually exhausting. I want to share a little bit of encouragement from someone who knows what you’re going through. I managed to escape, survive, and come out on the other side with most of my wits still intact!

I just want you to know that you do deserve better and I’d like to encourage you to reach out to your most trusted friends for support. You cannot change a person with narcissistic personality disorder or make them happy by loving them enough or by changing yourself to meet their unrealistic standards of perfection. Just know that you are enough exactly as you are.

Remember: This is not meant to be a substitute for clinical diagnosis, but none of the above are indicative of a healthy relationship, whether they have NPD or not. I simply want to help you evaluate what’s most important…and that is YOU. Take good care of yourself.

THE NINE OFFICIAL CRITERIA FOR DETERMINING NPD:

Grandiose sense of self-importance
Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
The belief they’re special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions.
Need for excessive admiration
Sense of entitlement
Interpersonally exploitative I behavior
Lack of empathy
Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of them
Demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes

Kimberley Jasper is pursuing her bachelor’s degree in Creative Writing from the University of Houston. She is currently an accomplished self-published author of four novels in adult and paranormal fiction, and the release of her first non-fiction entitled, Get Out: A Guide to Escaping Violence, to be released this year is greatly anticipated. From horror fiction with a mystical twist, to erotic thrillers, she is able to do it all with well-seasoned finesse. Kimberley gives every genre of her writing the same drive and devotion. A public-speaker and advocate, she mentors women of all ages with a series entitled, A Woman’s Work.